J'APE: Just Another Publicity Excuse
How to Publish Your (Kindle) Book for Shameless Self-Promotion and Profit (a parody)
The Problem With Self Publishing on Amazon is You Need to Know the Secret
And that secret is: "You Need to Be A Celebrity To Succeed At Anything".
[This parody is a sarcastic look at the train-wrecks caused by "celebrities" getting into the self-publishing advice business. No animals were harmed in the creation of this ebook - but people who dress up cats and post pictures of the poor kitties on social media were unduly maligned.]
Learn the 3 Parts to Real eBook Publishing
1. How to write a book - real quick, shallow, ghost-written.
2. How to publish your book - hire someone to do it for cheap, like putting their name on the cover.
3. How to sell a book online - using your devoted, Kool-Aid-drinking fan-base to suck-up and give you fake 5-star reviews without having read the book.
[Disclaimer: Obviously, this is a work of satire and has nothing to do with the real world. And any resemblance to any currently successful bestseller is just a happy coincidence. Had this been a real book, you would have been instructed where to tune in your local area to hear this author's latest interview.]
Solve the Key Factors Which Have Kept You From Publishing Your Book.
* Your life is out of Control because you didn't devote yourself to learning celebrity-skills.
* You want to get Approval for everything you do - but that's just the half of it. Find how celebrities can't live without it, so their own self-publishing puts "Vanity" back into the name.
* You want to have the Security, but really you need to stick to that day job and leave all the PR to "Artiste-Anal publishers" who often appear on late night info-mercials to sell over-priced junk.
* And you want to Join the group of successful Independent Authors, but except for a few cheaters who stumble into it, the system is rigged to sell only celebritie's books (and cute dressed-up-cat-picture books). So again, just give it up before someone gets hurt...
Tools you will find inside this guide:
* How to wreck your life and get fired for spending too much time on your book.
* How to ruin your family relationships by getting every relative you know to loan you money and/or write suck-up reviews of your book (and like, and plus, and tweet about it to their friends.)
* Lose any certainty you ever had about how good you are as a writer, because some celebrity comes along with their version of how it "really" works.
* Discover how a celebrity can suck the air out of a room by just showing up, and how their interviews and PR stunts take the limelight away from struggling unknown Indie authors.
* Find how the entire publishing industry deck is still stacked against you, so you might as well never try.
A Personal Word from the "Author"
I've been a celebrity for nearly all my life, ever since I starred in school plays. Working for big corporations as their front man honed my skills in how to shine on about virtually any product or movie I wanted to get paid to have an on-screen opinion about. So when I found out a "friend" of mine had an "overnight" successful self-published book, I wanted in. And my agent was kind enough to find a ghostwriter so I could. (Me? Write?!?)
In this book I wanted to tell you the truth that no one else will. Maybe 1% of all Indie Authors will ever make it big. The stats are no better than when the Traditional Publishers were running the show. You might as well give up now. That's the point of this book - to show you the inside world of celebrity, how we can't stand competition, and why we make it impossible for anyone else to share the spotlight.
Sure, they'll tell you about "long tail" and other lies just to get your hopes up. Secretly, they just want to take your money that you've saved up. In order to get you discouraged with that book which never sells anyway - so you'll quit and go back to your day job. I'm here to save you all that money (you're going to wind up broke in retirement anyway) and get you to give up trying to self-publish anything before you ruin what's left of what you call a "life." Being "little people" is a good thing. Really.
My best advice? Go hire yourself out as a farm-hand in Saskatchewan. At least the food is better and it's honest work.
You can read this item using any of the following Kobo apps and devices: